Chapter One

By: Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

BEING SPECIAL

We all fear to lose our identity and our uniqueness. We seem to be acutely aware of this fear in a crowd of people. "Far from the madding crowd" is not only the title of a book - it is also an apt description of one of the most ancient recoil mechanisms.

This wish to be distinct, "special" in the most primitive sense, is universal. It crosses cultural barriers and spans different periods in human history. We use hairdressing, clothing, behaviour, lifestyles and products of our creative mind - to differentiate ourselves.

The sensation of "being unique or special" is of paramount importance. It motivates many a social behaviour. A person feels indispensable, one of a kind, in a loving relationship. His uniqueness is reflected by his spouse and this provides him with an "independent, external and objective" affirmation of his special-ness.

This sounds very close to pathological narcissism, as it was defined in our Introduction. Indeed, the difference is of measure - not of substance.

A healthy person "uses" people around him to confirm his sense of distinctiveness - but he does not over-dose or over-do it. Feeling unique is to him of secondary importance. He derives the bulk of it from his well-developed, differentiated Ego. The clear-cut boundaries of his Ego and his thorough acquaintance with a beloved figure - his self - are enough.

Only people whose Ego is underdeveloped and relatively undifferentiated need ever larger quantities of external Ego boundary setting, of affirmation through reflection. To them, there is no distinction between meaningful and less meaningful others. Everyone carries the same weight and fulfils the same functions: reflection, affirmation, recognition, adulation, or attention. This is why everyone is interchangeable and dispensable.

The narcissist employs one or more of the following mechanisms in a loving relationship (say, in a marriage) ["he"-read: "he or she"]:

He "merges" with his spouse/mate and contains him/her as a symbol of the outside world.

He exerts absolute dominion over the spouse (again in her symbolic capacity as The World).

These two mechanisms come in lieu of the healthier form of relationship wherein the two members of the couple are a unity of two distinct entities. They maintain their distinctiveness while, at the same time, creating a new "being of togetherness".

He replicates his Ego in every possible manner and, at times, without "justification". He becomes addicted to publicity, displays graphomaniacal tendencies and ignores information, advice and criticism to the contrary.
Merely observing his "replicated Ego" provides the narcissist with sensations of power, omnipotence and omnipresence, akin to the ones that the he experienced in his early childhood.

The function of this never-ending replication process is to provide the individual with an "existential substitute", proof of the occupation of space and time - functions normally carried out by a healthy, well-developed Ego through its interactions with the outside world ("reality principle").

In extreme cases, the narcissist resorts to hallucinations, even to psychotic micro-episodes. The latter sometimes occur during treatment. The narcissist can also form hermetic social circles, which share his delusions (Pathologic Narcissistic Space). The function of these social cohorts is to serve as a psychological entourage, "objectifying" the feeling of self-importance and the illusions of grandeur harboured by the sick individual.
It is the failure of these mechanisms, which leads to an all-pervasive feeling of annulment and detachment.

A deserting spouse or a business failure, for instance, are of a magnitude that cannot be suppressed. This usually motivates the narcissist to seek treatment. Therapy starts where self-illusions end but it takes a massive disintegration of the very fabric of the narcissist's life and personality structure to bring about this concession of defeat. Even then the narcissist merely seeks to be "fixed" in order to continue as before.

The boundaries (and the very existence) of the narcissist's Ego are defined by and from the outside. In times of crisis, the ensuing inner experience of the narcissist is that of a disintegrating self and a dissolution even when surrounded by people.

This is a life threatening feeling. This existential conflict leads to the active seeking of solutions at any cost. Solutions - even much less than optimal - are sought and improvised fervently. The narcissist finds a spouse, seeks publicity, gets involved with new social circles willing to accommodate his need for Narcissistic Supply (NS).

This sense of urgency causes the suspension of all judgement.

In these circumstances, the narcissist is likely to misjudge the qualities and abilities of a prospective spouse, the quality of his own work, or his status within his social circles. He is liable to make indiscriminate use of all his psychological (defence) mechanisms to justify this hot pursuit, foremost the mechanisms of rationalisation and intellectualisation.

Many narcissists reject treatment even in the most dire circumstances. Feeling omnipotent, they seek the answers themselves and in themselves and then venture to "fix" and "maintain" themselves. They read, gather information, philosophise and contemplate. They do all this single-handedly and when they seek other people's counsel, they degrade them and treat them as sheer "human information sources".

The narcissist dedicates a lot of his time and energy to a debate, which rages inside him and which revolves around two axes: (a) is he unique and (b) if so, to what extent and how can this be substantiated, communicated and documented?

The narcissist's frame of reference is nothing less than posterity and the entirety of the human race. His uniqueness must be immediately and universally recognised. It must (potentially, at least) be knowable by everyone at all times - or it loses its allure.

The narcissist obeys a threshold condition, Aut Nihil, Aut Cesare, all or nothing.